I Cheated and Copied This From My Facebook

Although I'm thankful for several things every day and try to take the extra time to appreciate special people in my life I'd like to give a shout out to people who have played an important role in my life: Jeremy Starr Williams, you've always been there for me when I was down and also when I wasn't, although you moved far away I feel our relationship has stayed the same and when I visited I felt as if you had never even left. I can never tell you how much I appreciate you in words! Andrew Lobel: you are my little brother, but you are also my best friend, ride til we die bro. Alana Jewallace: Thank you for being a kind caring woman in myl ife, even when I feel like I'm surrounded by bitches, you will always have that special JBKF place in my heart. Alex Brock: We've been through a LOT of 

crazy times together, some good, some bad, but no matter what we always find a way to work through whatever life throws at us. Michael Lobel: Dad, so much negative shit has come between us over the years, but we always learn and grow from it. Im thankful for this apartment you helped put me in, and want you to know I am grateful that we are working on things. Lastly, my mom. She doesn't have a facebook so she won't see this but: You may not be the woman who birthed me, but no outsider would ever know the difference. You have fed me when I was starving, clothed me when I was naked, given me money when I was out, even if you knew I may spend it on something bad for my health. You have truly shown me nothing but unconditional love throughout my entire life, and in the past 5 years have lightened up so much and became a true pleasure to talk to and be around. 

Straight copied and pasted, cut me some slack, its thanksgiving. Peace Love and Turkey "y'all."

All moved in!

I typically don't post about my personal life but i like to kemy readers updated. Just moved into my new apartment. Ive been spending a lot of time focusing on my music. I play guitar to keep focused and find it to be rather therapeutic. Have been learning Aerosmith's "Dream on" abd Zeppelin's "stairway to heaven." Perhaps soon I'll merge my writing with my other artistic endeavors. Seacrest out.

Renovations

I am relocating to a new apartment tomorrow so i may be without internet for a few weeks but i may write short posts from my phone such as this. Will be back to long reading as soon as I am able!

And an additional thanks to everyone that reads my blog. Im only past 200 pageviews but that is more than i imagined i would have. Hopefully all 200 of those people have taken something away from my humble musings.

Excerpt From a Conversation With A Friend

     PREFACE: Before you read this PARTICULAR post on my blog let me just restate that it is an excerpt from a Facebook conversation, and nothing specific caused this rant, I just happened to be feeling chatty and went off on a tangent. I took a few minutes to edit it down into a more standard format rather than having my friend's response, my curses, and "lols" throughout; however it may still come off as rambling and there seems to be a sudden topic change at the end that was brought about by one of my friend's responses. In all honesty, I have had this saved for a while in preparation for a day like today where I wanted to post but had not the energy to write a whole one out. All in all I feel it's a great read. Enjoy!

      It may may not seem like it in person, but im all eyes and ears. i pay attention to the world around me and therefore I am able to predict the outcome of situations with extreme accuracy. What sucks is that I will never be able to unbias myself and take a step back and tell myself what I am doing wrong. It is my firmly held belief that the human brain just is not meant for that kind of critical thinking. It is one thing to make a lifetime habit of noting peoples actions, behaviors, and the outcomes of those situations depending on the order of events involved. It is something completely different to shut down one's ego, remove all sentiments from the picture, and judge one's self as if judging a stranger at the mall. Because the fact still remains that you're YOU, you know every facet of your personality to a T and whether or not you like it, you have learned to live with it, so if you're alive you probably like yourself at least enough to not commit suicide.
Therefore you are emotionally attached to the person known as you, and no matter what the situation at hand is, you feel you deserve the best, and you can rationalize if you lose. You will say"Well, at least there's always tomorrow" or be negative and say, "I didnt want that whatever whatever anyways" or what have you.
No matter what, though, you're always a little upset with yourself.

     In essence, we just have a roadblock on the synapse that connects the thinking center in our brain to whatever part controls self reflection. Some believe the only point one CAN achieve such insights is on  psychedelic drugs, but at that point, who's to say how good your suggestions and advice for yourself would be anyways. Truth be told, its not a great idea to be taking heavy psychedelics with major issues anyways, because it can really awaken your demons especially in the mentally unsound (which most people are).
In compensation for our lack of that particular skill, we have insight, hindsight, and foreshadowing. Insight being taking note of the situation at hand, hindsight being analyzing those notes, recognizing your errors, and then using them to foreshadow how the event will play out next time you occur such a fiasco. Trial and error too, if your expectations dont meet the reality of the outcome at the end of the situation, revise, and then refer to your new found information when you encounter that situation yet another time, until what you assume is going to happen is more or less the reality of how it actually goes down. That's how people get psychic jobs, acute observational skills, and the ability to quickly size up a possible customer everyone jumps to conclusions about people before they actually have exchanged even their first word "hello" with them. By the time a person walks across a room and speaks to you, you have more than likely already guessed what kind of movies they like, what their voice may sound like, what slang they may use, what they like to do in their free time. All by a split second of seeing their clothing, distinguishing marks and characteristics, and of course posture and body language.

     Its also a firmly held belief of mine that rushing everything in life is one of the major causes of our loss of creativity and imagination when we reach adulthood. If people took the time to stop and try to see things as they did as a child, where the curb was actually a thin balance beam above a dangerous pit of lava, and if you fall its your fate. Or where you throw pillows on the floor so you dont touch the poisonous carpet. Or where you purposefully don't step on cracks. Or you do step on cracks if you're a jerk kid, to see if it breaks your mother's back.

     If you're able to emotionally mature without hindering your outlook on life and all the wonderful joys, smells, and colors it has to offer, that is perfection. Unfortunately such a thing does not exist. Because at some point in your life someone is going to take joy from spoiling some of your childhood innocence.






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In Memoriam of a Great Man

Hello followers. It's time to be honest, it's been a rough few months for me. Between getting in a serious car wreck, losing 3 people who I knew well, among other major shifts in my lifestyle, I've had a lot on my plate. 

First, however, I'd like to address that I really like the direction my blog is going in. I feel proud of every post and it is my firmly held personal belief that everyone can take something from all of them. In order to continue with such profundity in my posts, I will no longer be holding myself to posting once a week. I may post once a week still for a while, but if the inspiration is not there I'd rather wait for it than force a lame post. Thank you to everyone who continues to read, regardless if you do it because I badger you or not, it's nice just to see that I've already reached 131 views as of this post!

Moving onward, yesterday I went to a funeral. It wasn't my first funeral. It was, however, my first soldier's funeral. The whole service, disregarding subject matter, was beautiful. It really made me feel a lot closer to this country that I call home. The service was for a friend of mine named Jordan Riddle. As stated, he was a soldier and his feats were great. He was a combat medic and I can't even name how many medals were displayed next to his casket. Besides being a soldier, however, Jordan played a more important role in my life. He was who I looked up to in rehab. There were thirty men there at any given time, but he was one of only two other people who had a heroin addiction such as I. He was who guided me, and gave me the most useful information in my month stay there. Afterward, I still visited him for a while, hung out at his house once. One of the main reasons this particular death was so tragic to me was because not only did I live with the man for 30 days, but also he was one of the few people who truly deserved the large amount of praise he received upon passing. In person Jordan put up a hard defense, poking fun at you and appearing to have feeling made of titanium. While he was no doubt a tough individual, there was another side of him, the side that pushed him to be a medic that took care of people during firefights in a war zone. That was the best side of him, but it was that same side that allowed him to have the negative thoughts and feelings that ended up taking him over in the end. If you knew Jordan you could see in his eyes that how he was acting on the outside wasn't always how he felt. The way he stared off into the distance. The way he would be silent for several minutes on end sometimes. The way he felt alone even around company was almost tangible at times. What I'm getting at is, I've been to several funerals and sometimes I just realized sometimes people say "so and so was a great person and would always go the extra mile to help you and drop whatever he was doing" and most of the time its just a bunch of lies that people say so that their loved one can go out with dignity. Jordan was truly everything great you can have in a person, and had a great personality to go along with it.

That's all I have to say. Jordan, you will be missed.

Affirmative Actions

  

     Yes. It's one of the most powerful, life-opening words the English language has to offer. "Yes" almost always brings good experiences if you use it correctly because of the positive energy surrounding the word. Yet, people seem to shy away from the power of the word that is yes. If you are one of those people, live no longer in fear of what Yes may bring, but instead embrace it! Allow me to help alleviate the fear and reservations you may have regarding Yes.

     First off, the most important thing to note when using Yes is that discretion and common sense must still be a part of the equation. If a stranger walks up to you at a party and asks you to try crystal meth the obvious answer here is to modestly deny their offer. Other situations may be an impromptu marriage proposal from someone you barely know or something that implies criminal involvement. Without these basic building blocks of decision making any good that Yes may have to offer could just become an excuse for a low-life to indulge in self deprecating behavior.
     The next step is to not just jet from living a hermit life away from others turning down every opportunity, to standing on top of a mountain the following week, missing work and not notifying your family, because you started using Yes in every available situation. Instead it is crucial that you slowly push yourself to indulge in Yes in small social situations you may not have participated in prior, such as just going to a bar with your friends instead of staying in and playing minecraft. This particular tactic takes that you know what you are comfortable with and push those boundaries a little bit, in time standing on Mt. Everest will be yours, if that's what you're into.
     Lastly, the most important thing to remember is that Yes is more about a general attitude and outlook on life rather than just a word. Yes is about removing limits from yourself and your day so when you turn in for the night you have a sense of accomplishment and fulfillment regarding your day rather than that droll "day-in, day-out" feeling that we all become complacent with after years of having it. Yes is about opening your eyes and seeing the world from a new perspective. The world becomes your playground, yes from 9 AM to 5 PM you are Mr. Schmo: Sales Associate at Staples, but after you become Joe Schmo: Adventurer Extraordinaire!
     Remember to have fun in all your endeavors and that life, in the grand view of things, is short. Enjoy it as much as possible!

This post is dedicated to Courtney Walsh, a dear friend of mine who passed away recently who embraced the Yes attitude and left an impression on everyone she encountered. 

Lessons from the book of Lilo.

fam·i·ly

   [fam-uh-lee, fam-lee]  Show IPA noun,plural fam·i·lies, adjective

noun

1.

a.

a basic social unit consisting of parents and theirchildren, considered as a group, whether dwellingtogether or not: the traditional family.

b.

a social unit consisting of one or more adults togetherwith the children they care for: a single-parent family.

2.

the children of one person or one couple collectively: Wewant a large family.

3.

the spouse and children of one person: We're taking thefamily on vacation next week.

4.

any group of persons closely related by blood, as parents,children, uncles, aunts, and cousins: to marry into a sociallyprominent family.

5.

all those persons considered as descendants of a commonprogenitor.

These are the five definitions dictionary.com gives for the word, but I want to talk about the family you CHOOSE. Friends who are so close you consider them family. As you're reading this I'm sure you can think of at least one person who you can say anything to, who knows you better than yourself sometimes, and who you know you can trust with your entire life. 

     For me that person is an actual part of my family, my brother. When we were younger we got along about as well as any other pair of siblings got along: teasing, fighting, name-calling and of course tattletales. As we got older, into our mid-teens, we both experienced some very sobering life changing events: the suicide of my uncle and the divorce of my parents due to one of their infidelities (which I believe had something to do with the former). It was at this point me and my brother knew automatically that people can just drop out of your life at the blink of an eye. We had to take care of each other and our mom as if we were the only 3 people left in a zombie apocalypse. The end of my teenage years wasn't easy, I felt like I had to take on the responsibilities of the man in the house, all the while dealing with my stress negatively by having drug addictions. I tried to always hold a job just in case we needed it, because at that point we were living off my mother's settlement money and she hadn't had a job since before I was born. As hard as I was taking it, I knew it was twice as hard for my younger brother Andrew, who was just the tender age of 14 at the time. I had already started my partying phase and, in my mind, was already an adult. (I wasn't). 

     I had to try and be there for him emotionally and answer whatever tough questions he asked. One way we bonded was humor, today me and my brother are almost indistinguishable humor-wise. If I had to talk to him about sex or drugs or something, I would tell him what I felt important, but in a comedic way so it didn't become uncomfortable or weird. I've always been proud of not introducing him to any of the drugs I've ever done, cigarettes, or booze. When I was younger I figured everyone would do the same, now that I've gotten older there have been several sibling couples I have met that smoke pot, take ecstasy, drink, or what have you together. It's kind of sad, but variety is the spice of life i guess!

     Recently my brother has been talking about going into the military or moving up to Minnesota with his long time girlfriend Emily, in a few years. It came as a shock to me, of course I'd considered leaving several times in my life, and may have had brief periods of absence, but for the most part I stayed in or near Arlington to be with the ones I love. Of course I want him to do what makes him happy and hope him the best but it just got me to thinking about how quickly people can come and go. My best friend Jeremy just moved down to Austin a couple months ago. Around the same time one of my close friends from high school OD'd on drugs, not to mention the three or four other people who I've also hung out with who checked out the same way. On the same note, though, people are thrust into your life with just as much abruptness. Birth, meeting someone you love, people you work with. One day you don't know these people, then the next you see them every day at work,  home or school. 

     So when you meet someone new who you can tell is going to be part of your chosen family, tell them so. Don't try to be macho and cool about it. Tell them you love them. NA taught me that it's okay to tell anyone you love them if you do. Even complete strangers, sometimes they need it. Really though, go tell them. Right now, male or female, black, white, mexican, asian, Chuck Norris. Doesn't matter. Let them know, because tomorrow they could be hit by a car (knock on wood) and if that happens, you're gonna have a bad time. Don't leave anything unsaid. 

     I think you get the idea, so I leave you with this:

First Post! (Basic Information and Purpose)

     Welcome to my blog. Let's get down to it. Why do you have a blog Matt? Let me tell you why: If you were to run in to me on the street, chances are I would say a few things that make you chuckle then happily be on my way. This is my outlet to let all my serious inside feely things out into the open, maybe let go of some resentments and say things to make people think! In addition to that, it will also help me to grow as a writer and maybe give people who know me a different view of who I am or give anyone who reads it insight into what the daily life of someone who used to be a drug addict, wild-child incorporates.
     Many people view ex-drug addicts as subhuman monsters, society demonizes drugs therefore peoplesee the homeless and less fortunate and snub them off saying they deserve that situation or they did it to themselves. While that is not necessarily false, it took them some time to get to that point and somewhere in their life they were a person with a family and quite possibly children. Think about it... Let it sink in... Maybe hearing what daily trials and tribulations, which for the most part probably won't be drug related at all, but instead will be me piecing my life together after several years of doing pretty much whatever felt the best.
     Like I was saying before, though, this blog will aim to educate anyone who reads it while simultaneously allowing me to vent, and hopefully entertaining you, the reader.
     "But Matt, you're such a funny guy, is there going to be anything in here to make me laugh?"
[weird page break]
Yes Reader, while I am going to try to keep this blog rooted in my deep thoughts and observations, that is not to say that there will not be anything humorous on here, but don't expect it to be like reading a joke book, instead think of it as similar to any sort of celebrity memoir you have read. They tend to make you smile and laugh quietly at some points, but all the while the subject matter is usually pretty heavy.
     With all that being said, I sincerely hope you enjoy reading this and set aside 5 minutes every week or so if you're interested to read whatever new post I may have written. That is how often I plan to write a new post, just so I don't get burned out, but also keep plenty of new material for anyone to read. For this first week or so I may post a little more frequently just because I've been planning this for about a week now and I have a few stories I want to post.

Last note: This blog may be difficult for some people to read, either because of the subject matter or because of the format. Seeing as this is a blog, it is more or less something written off the top of my head. This PARTICULAR post I kind of outlined in my head, so it should be more or less fully formed ideas, but there may be a few points even in here that you notice I just stop talking about an idea and don't segue smoothly into the next one. Pay no mind to things like that. I also am a grammar and spelling Nazi so if you see a misspelling or grammar error feel free to correct me so I either learn to correct my run-on sentences, or whatever the problem may be. Once again thanks for taking the time to read this and I hope you learn just something from every post, I also may search random facts and put them at the end so I know everyone gained SOMETHING from reading.

Random fact #1: The album Toxicity by System Of A Down holds a triple platinum status which means it has sold over THREE  MILLION copies!